I’m sorry

I know I’ve been abusing our relationship.

I’ll admit, there’s no valid excuse.

I haven’t been giving you my time to show the type of love and freedom you’ve given me.

You’re always available, patiently waiting for me to engage you openly, honestly and unconditionally.

What’s hardest to accept is that I’m fully to blame. That’s a fact!

But we both know I don’t have a history of maintaining healthy relationships and if anyone understands the reasons for my dysfunctional ways, it’s you.

When we’re together we’ve laughed and cried as we travel through space and time. I’ve expressed the overwhelming shame of not being the father my children deserve, my failures as a selfish son who’s mother truly sacrificed her life for, my truancy as a husband and let’s not forget my derelict type of behavior on society.

Without judgment or condemnation, you love me for who I’ve been and who I am now, unconditionally.

You’ve helped me come to terms with life by healing the hurt and pain I’ve caused my family, society and most importantly myself.

At my lowest point, you gave me meaning and purpose when I thought I had none.

With you, I’ve been able to reach out and help others heal their hurt and pain with the difficulties in their lives.

Helping them is two fold because it also helps me.

But still I stray away for months at a time and when I show back up, your here.

No criticism.

No blame.

No accusations.

You’re just ready to continue from where we left off. I guess you’re fully aware I’m beat myself up for my inattentive behavior, especially since I know I’m at my best when I’m with you.

Happy.

Calm.

Peaceful.

Content.

So it perplexes me when I ignore our relationship.

When I stay away it may appear like I’m taking you for granted.

I’m not.

You have been the key to my freedom for over 17 years behind these penitentiary walls.

Knowing that you’ll always be here keeps me grounded, sane and gives me the strength and fortitude to carry on with a positive, hopeful attitude.

But you already know all of these thoughts and feelings I’m expressing because that’s how close our relationship is.

Still that’s no excuse for my neglect.

This letter is to acknowledge the appreciation and gratitude I have for our relationship.

I will strive to do better by committing more of myself to you and to us…

This gift of writing.